High School. Gross.

Yeah I know, where did I disappear to? No where, really. Just working. Decorating our living space. Hanging out in Lex with my aunt. Just got back from a night in Illinois with Brad (first I had seen him in a week, jeeeeeze). Had a birthday. Turned 29. This week away from home has been brutal on any healthy eating habits I had developed... ugh. I physically feel like shit cause that is all I've eaten. Haven't been to the gym in well over a week. Tsk, tsk! Flew on a plane today, with a hangover, tired as hell. When I woke up during landing, all my panicked mind could think of was the quickest possible route to a bed where I could sleep for EVER. That didn't happen. Oooh, I do not feel good right now. Mentally, I'm pretty spot on, though. This mind never rests.

Just thought I'd vent about something. At the risk of hurting people's feelings (but what is worth venting about if it doesn't do at LEAST that). So I graduated high school in 2001. It is now 2012 and we have yet to have a class reunion, although one is tentatively set for March. A part of me really wants to give a shit. A part of me wants to volunteer my time to making it worthwhile. I have the time. And I love planning things, making things happen. I'm creative, crafty, resourceful. Projects keep me going. And I'm pretty damn full of myself, so I must say if I did help, it would be 100% better than anything they could come up with in my absence. Because I am awesome. Yes, that is how arrogant I am about myself and my abilities. I ain't afraid to say it.

So I'm so tempted to care. But then I remember something. It's my 10 year high school reunion. How disgusting.

I look back on those years and... it makes my stomach hurt, honestly. I think, shit, how could I have ever lived that way, and it's funny cause my 17 year old self would probably think the same about me now.

I never understood the people I graduated with who missed high school. But I was in a suspended state of animation, still stuck in the education system, went on to college. I didn't understand their lamentations until I finally graduated and was thrown into the real world. Yeah, it really does SUCK some major balls. Not all the time, but it can, and not a single one of us appreciated when it didn't suck so much back then. A zit was the end of the world, now getting sick and paying medical bills while having no income is the real end of the world. That will probably seem silly too, one of these days, when we look back. So I finally do get it now. But I wouldn't wish myself back there for ANYTHING. I mean, ew. Ew. Ew.

But no one has any really excellent ideas or a plan for executing those ideas and it's killing me. I just want to intervene before someone hurts themselves thinking too hard. It has been suggested it be a tail-gate party, back in the fall, during a home football game. That made me want to vomit. I had no school spirit whatsoever. If I had to pick a sport I could happily live without, it would be football. And if I want to stare at and judge the people I went to high school with, I'll log on to Facebook, and at least I can be drunk while doing that.

Ugh. Makes me feel ill just thinking about it all. The first mistake they made was asking for everyone's input. Everyone will never agree. It's one of those things you just gotta do and say, take it or leave it. Reminds me of planning my wedding. Too many cooks in the kitchen. I would have privately asked some people to help out, then just DONE it. Even at the risk of it SUCKING. And no one coming. And you can bet I would have planned it well in advance. Makes me feel like getting on the facebook page for it and announcing in all caps, OKAY, I'M CALLING THE SHOTS, THIS FUCKER IS GOING DOWN IN JUNE, BRING MARSHMALLOWS, WATCH YOUR MAIL, SEE YOU SOON. IF I WANT YOUR HELP, I'LL ASK FOR IT. BLOW ME. TAKE CARE. **Animal sacrifice and prayers appreciated**

But I don't care, right? I don't care. I don't care... really, your wearing THAT? I mean, I don't care, I don't care...

Blah

January 6th, 2012. What a day. It hasn't even started for me yet.

Megan & Heath are having a baby girl! Found out this morning. That's fabulous! Do I wish it were me? Yeah. But I'm kinda focused right now on losing weight, not gaining it, so it's all good. I'm super happy for them, a little girl is gonna be so much fun! She'll probably be perfect, like Holden. When/if Brad and I ever reproduce, they will probably be little demon shits, but that is fun too, I guess. It's about time the McDavid family had a little girl!

In other news, I'm about ready to go Misery on Brad's ass and keep him in the basement with broken ankles, feeding him only McDonald's. He shared his weight with me this morning (ugh) and he is at 238. He has almost lost 30 effing pounds. I've lost 15. *sigh* I'm really just not trying hard enough. I know, I know, men lose it more easily, I really do have reasonable expectations for myself. But I really am slipping up on a regular basis, eating whatever I can get my hands on sometimes. I just feel so tired. I don't want to plan my healthy food. I've even had many moments sitting in front of the computer, not knowing what to do, what to search for, and that might seem lame, but it means one thing: I am bored. I am down. I'm not even really excited about the living room re-do. I just feel blah.

It probably has to do with January. It's just a boring and depressing month. It's getting colder. It snowed the other day. There are no holidays to look forward to and prepare for. Except my birthday! January 26... I'll be 29. But I find that a tad depressing as well.

I think part of the problem is that my hours at work have dropped drastically. When I don't have a good reason to get up in the morning (cause I've not been going in til like 4 or 5) then I just... don't. Get up. It's a bad habit to get back into. Financially, I miss the hours, but it's not like we can't get by, we are fine without my contribution. But mentally... I just need that. I really enjoy the job. I like organizing and preparing, calling customers, getting everything done for the day. Just makes me feel accomplished in some small way. Maybe I need to find a place to volunteer at. Wish Grayson had an animal shelter.

Anyway, blah.

Are you gel'in?

As in, do your limbs feel like gelatin, because mine do.

I've been to the gym twice now. I was so sore yesterday I put it off until after work, hoping I would have worked out some kinks, but not really. I just avoided any squats or leg presses. I'm walking around like a puppet today!

Tuesday I printed off my workoutbox checklist for day 1 of week 1 Inferno standard... note that this is the beginner's work out. After Standard there are two more versions, the hardest being extreme. Watched all the exercises on their website, kinda made me wanna barf. Supermans? Cross bicycles? Planking? Ok, whatever.

Brad A. (not husband Brad) from the gym took one look at my checklist and just laughed at me. It was priceless really. Asked if I was trying to kill myself. "Ok, then YOU tell me what to do and I'll do it." So he did. It was fun, really. It quit being fun the next morning! OUCH. Probably gonna get my money back from workoutbox, at least until I get in the swing of things. Sorry, Mr. Steffan.

So my legs hurt like hell. He had me do squats and I thought, okie dokie, he initially said 12, which quickly changed to 8 after I was clearly dying. Leg presses were easier, but I wasn't pushing 195 pounds with those either. Damn, I'm a heavy girl.

I don't like other people being there, but for the most part everyone ignores everyone else which I like. If you see me at the gym and I ignore you, don't let it hurt your feelings. I'm going through my own personal hell and you just aren't invited.

Before my workout I eat some fruit. A glass of milk is recommended, but I don't have that on me usually, so I skip it. Afterwards I've been drinking this special k protein shake. I feel like such a douchebag drinking it. Only douchebags drink protein shakes, right? I need to find a cheaper alternative, but that was all I could find at Ralph's Foodfair. That and high protein kibble, so I went with the shake.

This next part is for my aunt, an update on our living room re-do. We are getting new furniture for the living room, we are gonna paint this monstrosity, the quilt will be coming down. We are painting a straw color, the same color Jilda has in her living room, cause I like it. It's warm and has a yellow feel to it because of the oak trim. We are waiting on swatches of fabric from Big Sandy so I can ok the purchase of new furniture. The chairs are gonna be a light wine color and the couch an apple green. Everyone but Brad is convinced I'm going to hate it. It is funny though that I seem to love combos of yellow, green and red of varying shades. I also very much like blue, but not with the green and yellow I'm looking at. And I'm gonna change our one yellow wall in the kitchen to the green we also have in there so that it transitions better. Mustard yellow just ain't doin' it for me anymore.

So that's fun! We are also getting the carpets cleaned cause this shit is nasty. Who knows what bodily secretions (both animal and human) are in this carpet.

And I'm waiting Brad out on the taking down of the x-mas tree. As usual. :)

As for work... yeah. It's good. I haven't had many hours this week, and I've very much enjoyed being lazy. Brad had to force me out of a nap yesterday to get ready to go in. No wanty! I love it, minus the big brother feel I get from the powers that be. They know my every move... somehow...

It's on like Donkey Kong.

This has nothing to do with it being the first day of 2012 and everything to do with the fact that I now know I will always have Mon & Tues off from work, and things are gonna settle down and become a lot more routine.

But I just took a plunge and purchased a 26 week workout/training/nutrition program from www.workoutbox.com and I'm all tingly about it. Tomorrow I am going to join a gym because home is for naps and food and facebook, not exercising. I'm told the gym in town next to Arby's is open 24/7, you get a key card and go whenever, so I'mma do that and work out after work and whenever else I can. For now, no, I am not interested in a work out buddy, this shit is gonna be embarrassing. But maybe with time.

Could have purchased the at-home plan, we do have dumbells and an eliptical, but I'm afraid I would get lazy and bored. I will be sure to keep everyone updated on workoutbox and how I feel about it. I know a guy who uses it and has been pretty successful so far. It changes your nutrition goals daily based on what part of the workout you are on. You get days off, you get certain weeks that are pretty low key, then some that bust your ass. You get access to trainers who know their stuff. They have videos of every exercise and the different machines at the gym so you don't do anything too stupid. And it's pretty damn affordable. The gym membership will probably be the worst of it.

And besides getting my ass across town to the gym, the only other difficult part will be eating right. I have sucked at this the past two weeks. Did you know superquick has delicious chili-cheese filled corndogs? They do. Well, they did. Until I ate them.

But, my starting stats for workoutbox are as follows:

Weight: 195

Body Fat: 28.5%

Waist: 46 in

Hip: 46 in

Chest: 47 in

These numbers are all down from when I started eating better in October. Not exactly an hour-glass figure, am I? I'm sad to report my boobs have seen the most significant loss. Can't have it all. And my BMI has gone from 36 to 33.

Brad might do workoutbox at home, but he may not, he is stubborn and wants to do it himself. In the past when he has put his mind to it, he can slim down considerably. I need a to-do list to keep me on track, so I went that route.

Looking forward to getting started. I'm gonna go peruse my workoutbox stuff now. Neato-low-fat-burrito!