A novella.

I took the day off from work today, because it's mine and Brad's 4 year anniversary! Yay us! Happy Ides of March, everyone! This is a really long post, roll your eyes all you want, or go get a snack to munch on while you browse. I ain't apologizing for this novel. I'm just in a sharing mood.

I'm glad I was able to get the day off, that we have an awesome assistant district manager who accommodates us by sending help to the studio when we need it, sometimes herself (which is by far the most preferable). While my job can be stressful and irritating, it is still the best job I've ever had. I'm pretty happy with it and with everything in general right now. I'd have to be, the stupid people I often have to deal with and make happy, and yet I still like my job? Pretty crazy.

It makes me think of all the other jobs I've had, and the trials Brad and I have been through in just four years.. There have been quite a few. There was a time in my life I thought, wow, I'm really never gonna be able to do something I enjoy, am I? I grew up with the delusion that I needed to like my job. Bitter realists often laughed at me saying, "It's a job, you aren't supposed to like it, suck it up." But that just wasn't good enough for me. Working jobs I hated ate at my sanity, I'm not kidding.

So let's review!

I never had a job in high school. I was one of those lucky spoiled kids. I was told, "You don't need to work, you need to focus on school." Excellent! Unfortunately, I had no concept of a work ethic as a result, and some pretty unrealistic expectations of what a job should be like.

In college, I didn't understand HOW some of those kids did it. The typical course load, plus sorority and other club obligations, PLUS a job, or even TWO jobs. I knew one girl who kept a daily planner and just looking at it made me nauseous. And she was responsible, she didn't miss a single thing. No down time at all. HOW!?

I qualified for work study and had a placement or two on campus, that I always inevitably quit going to. Could have nurtured some amazing contacts and references, but I wasn't thinking like that.

After a particularly bad semester my senior year (2 A's and a D and an F, not even kidding), I barely graduated in time. Graduating was all I could think of, my future plans I could care less about. I couldn't afford to stay another semester at that wallet-sucking institution. At the end of every year, I begged my family to support my transferring somewhere cheaper where I could learn a straight-forward trade. Not that I didn't enjoy the liberal arts education I was getting, I just knew it was putting me so far in the hole... they all rejected my requests, so I kept on trucking year after year, not know WHAT IN THE HELL I was gonna do with my education. I had NO PLAN.

The summer after graduation, I worked at UK for a summer camp with my friend Julie. It was fun working with kids, they are so ridiculous. One night Julie and I almost got fired cause we had the night off and went to her apartment to have a glass of wine. That is literally what we almost got fired for. Needless to say, I didn't even try to get rehired the following summer.

I had no idea what to do with myself, but I had to get out of Grayson, so I moved in with my bestest friend in Marietta, Georgia, and got a job as a receptionist for a CPA firm in Atlanta. Sometimes the head of the company would call our office and just decide to go the fuck off on me for no reason. A couple of days ended in tears. One day, the head office lady was gone, so I had to access her computer to address a problem. Her calendar pops up, and I notice that almost every past day has a note on it about me. "5 minutes late from lunch" "10 minutes late to work" "Using yahoo search engine" "Ordered something online" (Flowers for my grandmother, thankyouverymuch). At this discovery, I put in notice that I would be leaving as soon as tax season was over. My last day was enjoyably "4-20".

I trained at Rafferty's as a server for three days before moving my ass back home, LOL.

Back to Grayson, and no matter how many times I applied to work at AT&T, I was always rejected. That did NOT help the ego. Nor did their postcard denials, lol. I couldn't get a job anywhere. Not K-mart, not Rite-Aid, not fast food. Nothing.

I meet Brad, and he helps me get a job at MSU. In the enrollment and financial aid department. I had A LOT to learn about this stuff. The sheer volume of calls was intimidating, and the inefficient enrollment and financial aid process in general. But that was okay, I like helping students, I just hated that we weren't allowed to do the simplest of things. Someone would be anxiously awaiting acceptance to the school, their test scores or whatever else would be lying in a pile in someone's office upstairs, but no one was allowed to enter them into the computer but ONE PERSON. ONE PERSON for THOUSANDS of applicants' ACT scores, transcripts, etc. Transy had work study students who did this shit! But no, not this office. I can't stand working for a system that is so messed up. But that wasn't even the worst of it. The worst was my boss. Granted, they were a person I wouldn't have liked in ANY capacity. From the start they didn't like me cause I got the job over someone they personally recommended for it. I'm sure it was believed this was because of Brad and not because I'm just a damn smart and capable person, which was obvious to the rest of the hiring committee. I'm sure they were relieved that Brad's girlfriend wasn't a total dumbass. She was often rude to me and made fun of me. I cried a lot. Just before busy season, the start of the new school year, I quit. Didn't even give notice. Just got the HELL out of there. Brad was admonished for my behavior from a higher up. But I didn't leave without letting my concerns known to specific people, and that horrible woman was almost immediately taken out of her 'management' position. So there.

In between periods of unemployment, I would substitute teach. The little kids were the best! The high school, not so much! I personally dreaded going to the high school, it was like living a nightmare. You know when you dream about something, but it's not exactly right or the way you remember it? That is what it was like. I really don't see how people I knew became teachers and went back to work there. Props to them, because it freaked my ass out. Even when I was in high school, every single morning on my way to school I would feel sick to my stomach. Like, ugh, what will THIS day bring? This was no different. And god knows I would NEVER be able to handle the politics. So I'm pretty happy I never went the route of being a high school biology or french teacher, which was my plan at certain points.

Finally, I get a job at Pathways. A job where theoretically I could use my so far worthless degree. It was a mash-up of social case-work, addiction, pregnancy, etc. Long story short, I learned I could never be a social worker. Not in that setting anyhow. I know some social workers who are damn good at their jobs, and I will never be them. You got a problem? FIX IT. You don't want to fix it? Then get out of my face and stop wasting my time, I don't want to hear your sob stories! I met a few people in that field of work who had severe martyr complexes. They enjoyed recognition for their "selfless" help to others. Bullshit. Ew. Or the power hungry bastards who want to control everyone, including their co-workers, and cause constant drama. There were four of us who were just used as pawns in their games. Not to mention I failed to see how the program I worked for helped ANYONE but the people in charge to feel like they were doing some kind of "good" for humanity. It was disgusting. After my wedding, when things had calmed down for me personally, I got the hell out of there, never to look back on social work again as some amazing road untraveled.

Went back to school to do something medical, anything medical and straight forward. Maybe nursing, or rad tech, or hell, maybe even a PA. I started out doing really well, but kinda had a nervous breakdown over the accumulating cost. I already had loans out the ass... here I was taking out more... I started to worry I wasn't gonna cut it and lose all this money invested... so that is exactly what happened. I flipped out. Went home and licked my wounds and pride and rattled nerves for a VERY long time. I felt like such an epic failure. I became depressed. It almost ruined Brad and I. I needed to get over this feeling that I needed to like my job. Just do anything, ANYTHING!

A friend of mine helped me to get hired as a legal secretary. Please keep in mind that at this point, I was not mentally well. LOL I was simply defeated and scared shitless. One of the lawyers I was terrified of! I wasn't thinking too clearly, I wasn't learning the stuff as well as I knew I was capable of. I struggled every day. My prescription of Clonipin was barely getting me through the day, let alone the month. I lost my shit completely. I left work for good one day. I knew Brad was going to be PISSED and wash his hands of me. I immediately went to my Grandma's and stayed there a while. I just wanted to die. So I checked myself in to KDMC's loony ward and had a much needed rest and tweaking of my meds. It was the lowest point of my life. I even tried to turn to God, but for all that is in me, I just cannot swallow that stuff. It is NOT for lack of trying, people!

Came back to the real world. Still struggling with major depression. I mean, it was bad. I slept all the time. I didn't take care of myself. Brad would have to tell me to shower, or brush my teeth, or even eat. I was so wrapped up in myself, it didn't even occur to me what Brad was going through. Our relationship was hanging by a thread and I didn't even NOTICE. He did EVERYTHING. Cook, clean, laundry, force me to fucking bathe.

A while later, I became my aunt and uncle's sort-of live-in nanny for the summer. It was a good thing. I was in Lexington all week long and would come home on some weekends. I thought I was doing better, honestly, I was. I was waking up, taking care of myself and my three cousins. I made a rude comment to Brad about his purchase of a new giant tv... and that was the straw that broke the camel's back. The SHIT HIT THE FAN. And we almost got divorced.

Months of valuable therapy later, things were better between us. We both got help that we needed. Brad got a better job that made him feel loads better. I accepted responsibility for myself. Brad worked through his bitterness at having to pull me through my shit. The author and spiritual teacher Eckhart Tolle changed the way I viewed the world and handled it. Things changed so drastically. We were happy again. We never stopped loving each other, that was what made it so painful. Eventually, I felt so good, that when I walked into Petland one day to look at puppies, I asked about the help wanted signs for a kennel technician. I got a job the same day. Called Brad, told him I had to work the next day. I'm really surprised my random shit hasn't caused him a heart attack yet.

I loved the puppies, I even loved my supervisor who was generally disliked by most everyone. I burnt out quickly with the job though, because the other technicians were so irresponsible I was working ALL THE DAMN TIME. I was practically working like a doctor on call for minimum wage. I wasn't treated like a person there, and so I quit. But instead of feeling like a failure, I only thought, okay, what's next? I attempted to start a dog grooming business. But with no one to really learn from, it became a tall order and my interest waned. I babysat my nephew for a while. Then I went in with my brother and sisters to get our pictures taken at Olan Mills. I met Christy, who is AWESOME and fun. I was attracted to having creative reign over something. This was something I could be really good at. I've always been creative and crafty. I understand basic aesthetic principles. And I'm a damn quick learner.

So far so good! In general, studio photography is limited and kinda cheesy and by definition is staged. But when you have a good sitting, or even a bad sitting, and yet you still manage to capture some priceless photos of a family or someone's kids, it's an amazing feeling. The families who walk in and tell you, "Good luck getting some good photos of little Bob here, he hates this kind of thing, he hasn't had a nap, he's pissy and difficult," then you struggle through a session that makes you want to pull your hair out, then you pull up the pictures and even you are shocked that some of them turned out so damn perfect, and they end up buying all of them, you just feel SO good! It definitely makes up for the bad experiences.

So when I run into people, and they ask what I do, then they start giving me advice on other careers or ways in which I could use my degree, they are so wasting their time and mine. I don't want anything else. This is amazing and I love it. Never imagined I'd be where I'm at today.

So happy four year anniversary to us! Brad I love you and I'm so thankful you didn't give up on me, or that I didn't let you, or whatever... ;) You are my favorite person in the world and my best friend.