Downer Alert

I'm depressed.

Not clinically this time, just exhausted and feel defeated and what have you.

I should just donate my body to science and get it OVER with!

I'm hurting. The damn left ovary again. I don't know if it's stress cause of work, but last month my good aunt flo came like almost a week early. Ok, I can deal with that. But I was getting so used to a nice regular functioning down there.

And now, two weeks later, I'm spotting. At first I thought... hey, maybe I'm pregnant. But it doesn't add up. I could have barely ovulated. And this kinda feels like ovulation pains. So why would I be bleeding? And it hurts. So maybe another cyst, why not? Sometimes I think my whole body is one big fucking cyst. I'm just a cyst with arms and legs.

I've checked into things in the past couple of years. Got my thyroid tested, I'm on meds, it helps with mood swings, but it also has an effect on my cycle. Once I ran out of meds and didn't think it was super important to really care, didn't have them for a few months, and did not have a period once during that time. It was weird. Decided I had those meds for a reason and went back on them. Clockwork after that. The pregnancy in January, the miscarriage in March. Still clockwork. September-October, cyst party. Horrible. Now it's December and it is hurting again. Everything is haywire.

I've always suspected I have hormone issues, but I was tested and nothing came up. I can't believe that. I'm the hormonal equivalent of a teenager, complete with ridiculous acne lesions. I grow body hair like it is going out of style. I could literally grow a beard if I wanted. It would rival Brad's. I'm just a giant mess. One of the reasons I'm trying so hard to be healthy and lose weight is cause I figure it could only help this situation. At least I would have less skin surface area, so theoretically, I wouldn't have so many damn zits or body hair. Right?

But nothing is ever found wrong with me. I really want to just bug the shit out of my gyno, but I feel like I'm being stupid or something. I was just there, ya know. They didn't even do an ultrasound to look at my ovary, but I really feel like they should. WHAT is going on down there? I'm almost 30, I want babies. It never occurred to me that I wouldn't be able to (I guess that doesn't occur to any girl). But come February, I can be medically defined as infertile. That's just a year's worth of trying with no results. I'm gonna try to hold on until March or April, but the closer it gets, the more anxious I get.

And I have always thought it would be so easy. Getting pregnant, first of all, but also in the event that I couldn't have my own children, I would just adopt. No biggie. But it really is a biggie. I don't know if I want to have a baby that isn't mine. Does that make me heartless? I really think I would rather be a foster parent than adopt an infant. Everyone wants to adopt infants, but not many people want to foster kids. And this house is like narnia for most kids. Video games, endless tv and movies, internet, all the jazz kids like (and Brad... hmmm).

Was at grandma's house going through pictures so I can put together one of her Christmas presents. I just sat there and cried the entire time. Seeing all my babies as babies. What happened? It really doesn't feel like that long ago. I get so sad... you see a baby and you see everything... all these different paths their lives could take, all these potentials. As they grow, windows close, some potentials never get realized. Their experiences shape them and direct them. Before you know it, you have a slightly dysfunctional pre-adult. My aunt Katrina says it happened to me too. One day I was a baby and the next I was a terrible teenage shit who they lost for about 6 years until I came out of it.

But yeah, kids. I just wanna take a crack at raising one or two. Raise them to be little teenie pagans with big hearts, like me. It doesn't help working at a job where I see itty bitty babies regularly, and little shit kids. Why some skanks can have kids and I can't is beyond me. And wouldn't my spawn just be the most hilarious thing!? The world needs my minions! This may be a matter of national security. And Brad is going to be the best dad EVER... oh, I'm crying just thinking about what a damn good father he would be!

And if someone would have told me years ago that I couldn't have kids... would have had a lot more fun, I tell you that right now. Would have saved me some serious worry. It's probably a good thing I didn't know... Ah, screw today. I'm going to bed. Again. For the second time. Sleep is nice.