Clever Blog Title

Hello, we are still alive. :)

The holidays have been crazy, right? Tell me about it. I've been so busy working and getting shit done for xmas... yesterday I had a moment where I was bored and remembered how nice that actually was.

Brad and I got each other nifty gifties and our families were all happy with their presents and we with ours. The highlight of Christmas had to be Dad's genuinely excited comment, "You know, we could make the area under the houseboat a dungeon with chains and shackles and everything, and like, keep people down there!" I love Christmas. And his joke, "East Carter has a chess team now, did you know? They won a tournament in Lexington and they were kicked out of the hotel because the owner couldn't stand chess nuts boasting in an open foyer." The more he told it the less I could contain myself! Got him to giggling so much he couldn't tell it anymore. I'm not kidding, I almost peed after telling number 3.

I've been taking more and more pics at the studio. I run into hangups sometimes, like where to put all of one family's three infants for a group picture... that was fun. Or the family with one jackass that ruins every picture because they are being obnoxious. You can tell I'm new at it because rather than the standard 40-60 images, I'll download 100+. I'm going to break our computer... haha.

I got a kid to be happy today, the only way being to let him play with my necklace. The parents didn't really want pictures of their son playing with jewelry, however if you took it away from him even a second he would scream bloody murder... lol. I need to find better trinkets I guess.

Oh, weight loss. What happened to us? Brad is doing just fine. I'm to the point now where I forbid him to tell me how much he weighs everyday. Literally he weighs himself every damn morning, and it's always less. He said he can't wait to start exercising, I told him he wasn't allowed, that *I* was going to start exercising, and I will let him know when he can start... LOL. Give me a break. Seriously, he is at 241. Jerk! I don't know mine exactly, last I checked it was about 198. It goes up and down, I have all kinds of woman issues going on though, so who the hell knows. Maybe my last cyst was a 2 pounder...

But I also have some good news for myself, one big deal was my dad noticing I've lost weight. Dad doesn't notice things very often. My hair had been streaked for months and he only noticed recently. The other day, "You're clothes look baggy, are you losing weight?" Yes. "Brad better watch out, you're gonna get all skinny and he'll get cuckold!" But really, I can take my pants off without unbuttoning them or anything, haha.

And this was pretty funny, the reason I decided to get back on here and blog: fat flab.

You know, when people lose weight, and this skin just kinda hangs around? It's pretty gross, right? Well yesterday I'm running my hands over where my tummy has been meeting my thighs now for a good couple years and it just felt... off. What was that? It's like... flab. Previously it's been bloated/pillsbury doughboy squishiness. And now it's different. There is definitely less there, but it's pleasant plumpness is gone. It practically FOLDS over. I guess most people would feel pretty icky about this, but I am personally pretty excited! I mean, hey! That means something is working, right!? lol. Sure it's hideous to look at, but it was a noticeable change, which was good to experience. So I stood up and just kinda pulled and massaged my belly fat and it is absolutely different. It's so WEIRD! Brad catches me doing this all the time now. It's like science fiction! I'm disappearing! One morning they are just gonna find my skin and I'll be gone!

So yay for fat flabs! I want to touch it right now... that is exactly what I am going to do. See ya later, folks!

Downer Alert

I'm depressed.

Not clinically this time, just exhausted and feel defeated and what have you.

I should just donate my body to science and get it OVER with!

I'm hurting. The damn left ovary again. I don't know if it's stress cause of work, but last month my good aunt flo came like almost a week early. Ok, I can deal with that. But I was getting so used to a nice regular functioning down there.

And now, two weeks later, I'm spotting. At first I thought... hey, maybe I'm pregnant. But it doesn't add up. I could have barely ovulated. And this kinda feels like ovulation pains. So why would I be bleeding? And it hurts. So maybe another cyst, why not? Sometimes I think my whole body is one big fucking cyst. I'm just a cyst with arms and legs.

I've checked into things in the past couple of years. Got my thyroid tested, I'm on meds, it helps with mood swings, but it also has an effect on my cycle. Once I ran out of meds and didn't think it was super important to really care, didn't have them for a few months, and did not have a period once during that time. It was weird. Decided I had those meds for a reason and went back on them. Clockwork after that. The pregnancy in January, the miscarriage in March. Still clockwork. September-October, cyst party. Horrible. Now it's December and it is hurting again. Everything is haywire.

I've always suspected I have hormone issues, but I was tested and nothing came up. I can't believe that. I'm the hormonal equivalent of a teenager, complete with ridiculous acne lesions. I grow body hair like it is going out of style. I could literally grow a beard if I wanted. It would rival Brad's. I'm just a giant mess. One of the reasons I'm trying so hard to be healthy and lose weight is cause I figure it could only help this situation. At least I would have less skin surface area, so theoretically, I wouldn't have so many damn zits or body hair. Right?

But nothing is ever found wrong with me. I really want to just bug the shit out of my gyno, but I feel like I'm being stupid or something. I was just there, ya know. They didn't even do an ultrasound to look at my ovary, but I really feel like they should. WHAT is going on down there? I'm almost 30, I want babies. It never occurred to me that I wouldn't be able to (I guess that doesn't occur to any girl). But come February, I can be medically defined as infertile. That's just a year's worth of trying with no results. I'm gonna try to hold on until March or April, but the closer it gets, the more anxious I get.

And I have always thought it would be so easy. Getting pregnant, first of all, but also in the event that I couldn't have my own children, I would just adopt. No biggie. But it really is a biggie. I don't know if I want to have a baby that isn't mine. Does that make me heartless? I really think I would rather be a foster parent than adopt an infant. Everyone wants to adopt infants, but not many people want to foster kids. And this house is like narnia for most kids. Video games, endless tv and movies, internet, all the jazz kids like (and Brad... hmmm).

Was at grandma's house going through pictures so I can put together one of her Christmas presents. I just sat there and cried the entire time. Seeing all my babies as babies. What happened? It really doesn't feel like that long ago. I get so sad... you see a baby and you see everything... all these different paths their lives could take, all these potentials. As they grow, windows close, some potentials never get realized. Their experiences shape them and direct them. Before you know it, you have a slightly dysfunctional pre-adult. My aunt Katrina says it happened to me too. One day I was a baby and the next I was a terrible teenage shit who they lost for about 6 years until I came out of it.

But yeah, kids. I just wanna take a crack at raising one or two. Raise them to be little teenie pagans with big hearts, like me. It doesn't help working at a job where I see itty bitty babies regularly, and little shit kids. Why some skanks can have kids and I can't is beyond me. And wouldn't my spawn just be the most hilarious thing!? The world needs my minions! This may be a matter of national security. And Brad is going to be the best dad EVER... oh, I'm crying just thinking about what a damn good father he would be!

And if someone would have told me years ago that I couldn't have kids... would have had a lot more fun, I tell you that right now. Would have saved me some serious worry. It's probably a good thing I didn't know... Ah, screw today. I'm going to bed. Again. For the second time. Sleep is nice.