Where has she been?

Going crazy.  No surprise there!

I'm an absolute wreck right now.  Have been for... days?  Weeks?  I dunno.  I lose track of days not having to work.  Oh, you don't have that problem?  Are ya jealous? 

Things are getting overwhelming.  The fetal movement is pretty nuts.  We know we are having a girl now.  And I'm stuck there.  I have moments where I want nothing but the best for this baby, to the point of bankrupting our savings for top of the line bullshit, and I have moments where I seriously wonder if it would be so wrong to just line a box with blankets and make do with that. 

People have been doing this since there were people.  They didn't need Pack N'Plays, wipe warmers, scary breast pumps, or baby einstein dvds... so why does it all suddenly sound so necessary?  Like it is abusive neglect if you dare not purchase a bathtub thermometer? 

And I've been wondering about EVERY LITTLE THING.  If my baby cries, am I going to go pick her up?  Am I going to wait for her to soothe herself?  If I wait, how long should I wait?  How long is too long?  Will I need 12 cloth newborn diapers a day or 24?  What kind of cloth diapers?  Velcro?  Snap?  2-in-1's?  All-in-1's?  Contour?  Or say FUCK THAT and do disposables cause that time would be better spent staring at my child while she breathes?  Do babies really benefit from listening to classical music or memorizing their multiplication tables by age 4?  Is my child gonna grow up to be socially retarded like her parents?  How do I simply avoid raising a serial killer?  How long should breastfeed in order to avoid pissing off America? 

After finding out we are having a Charlotte and not a Jonah, Brad and I went to Lexington for the day.  The task was to discover our nursery scheme.  Because step one will be painting that extremely blue room upstairs.  It's "East Carter blue" to hear Brad tell it.  We agreed we would go for green, nice and neutral so that it can easily be a boy nursery down the road if it comes to that.  Green is calming.  But in order to pick the green, we needed to know what bedding we liked.  So the task of the day was to find this bedding.  I had an idea of what I liked in nursery decor, but in personI  ended up going for something completely different.  Mainly purple, some light pink, green accents... purple and green.  Just like my wedding.  I must really like that or something.  So there is a deal, and while we are there we purchase sheet, bumper (useless), skirt (useless), blanket, hanging diaper bag (probably useless).  They came as a set.  Now, to envision the rest of the nursery based on that.  To the bat cave!

All was well.  I was pleased.  Brad was pleased.  A step closer on this seemingly million step journey. 

Until we get home and show off our cute-as-a-button crib bedding.  Apparently we've broken some cardinal rule I wasn't aware of.  How dare we get it so soon?  Before the shower?  Someone could have just bought us that!  Why would you go and do that?  I mean, I've been pretty much laughed at for being... I dunno, overly eager?  And I'm calling you out Megan and Jilda.  Because now I look at this bag of bedding and I wonder if I've already completely ruined my daughter.  Looking at it LITERALLY makes me sick to my stomach.  I'm full of so much anxiety over it, that I'm close to taking it back before it does make me vomit.  Is this unreasonable on my part?  Yes.  But I feel like I've screwed up royally just out of the gate... it's eating at my sanity!  And if you think this makes me crazy, please just don't tell me to my face, cause then I'll feel even WORSE!

And I think the anxiety is also because I realize... this is how it is going to be from now on.  My family, other parents, society... everything I do will be scrutinized. Down to the shit that doesn't even matter.  I mean, it doesn't matter if I bought Charlotte's crib bedding already.  It doesn't matter if I cloth diaper or if I'm just one more person throwing their baby's shit in a landfill.  It doesn't matter if I am able to breastfeed or not.  It doesn't matter if baby listens to Mozart or goes to day care or if my dog licks her face, or if my baby licks the dog's face. 

But I'm also very fragile right now, and I've decided it's all this bedding's fault.

I mean, I'm really unhinged.  Please say it's pregnancy hormones and that I'm not really losing my mind, cause I've been there before, and that shit is just plain scary. 

I just want us to have our baby and be left alone to enjoy her for as long as possible... until I want a damn break.  So that would be for what... an hour?  A good hour just for the three of us... :)