A novella.

I took the day off from work today, because it's mine and Brad's 4 year anniversary! Yay us! Happy Ides of March, everyone! This is a really long post, roll your eyes all you want, or go get a snack to munch on while you browse. I ain't apologizing for this novel. I'm just in a sharing mood.

I'm glad I was able to get the day off, that we have an awesome assistant district manager who accommodates us by sending help to the studio when we need it, sometimes herself (which is by far the most preferable). While my job can be stressful and irritating, it is still the best job I've ever had. I'm pretty happy with it and with everything in general right now. I'd have to be, the stupid people I often have to deal with and make happy, and yet I still like my job? Pretty crazy.

It makes me think of all the other jobs I've had, and the trials Brad and I have been through in just four years.. There have been quite a few. There was a time in my life I thought, wow, I'm really never gonna be able to do something I enjoy, am I? I grew up with the delusion that I needed to like my job. Bitter realists often laughed at me saying, "It's a job, you aren't supposed to like it, suck it up." But that just wasn't good enough for me. Working jobs I hated ate at my sanity, I'm not kidding.

So let's review!

I never had a job in high school. I was one of those lucky spoiled kids. I was told, "You don't need to work, you need to focus on school." Excellent! Unfortunately, I had no concept of a work ethic as a result, and some pretty unrealistic expectations of what a job should be like.

In college, I didn't understand HOW some of those kids did it. The typical course load, plus sorority and other club obligations, PLUS a job, or even TWO jobs. I knew one girl who kept a daily planner and just looking at it made me nauseous. And she was responsible, she didn't miss a single thing. No down time at all. HOW!?

I qualified for work study and had a placement or two on campus, that I always inevitably quit going to. Could have nurtured some amazing contacts and references, but I wasn't thinking like that.

After a particularly bad semester my senior year (2 A's and a D and an F, not even kidding), I barely graduated in time. Graduating was all I could think of, my future plans I could care less about. I couldn't afford to stay another semester at that wallet-sucking institution. At the end of every year, I begged my family to support my transferring somewhere cheaper where I could learn a straight-forward trade. Not that I didn't enjoy the liberal arts education I was getting, I just knew it was putting me so far in the hole... they all rejected my requests, so I kept on trucking year after year, not know WHAT IN THE HELL I was gonna do with my education. I had NO PLAN.

The summer after graduation, I worked at UK for a summer camp with my friend Julie. It was fun working with kids, they are so ridiculous. One night Julie and I almost got fired cause we had the night off and went to her apartment to have a glass of wine. That is literally what we almost got fired for. Needless to say, I didn't even try to get rehired the following summer.

I had no idea what to do with myself, but I had to get out of Grayson, so I moved in with my bestest friend in Marietta, Georgia, and got a job as a receptionist for a CPA firm in Atlanta. Sometimes the head of the company would call our office and just decide to go the fuck off on me for no reason. A couple of days ended in tears. One day, the head office lady was gone, so I had to access her computer to address a problem. Her calendar pops up, and I notice that almost every past day has a note on it about me. "5 minutes late from lunch" "10 minutes late to work" "Using yahoo search engine" "Ordered something online" (Flowers for my grandmother, thankyouverymuch). At this discovery, I put in notice that I would be leaving as soon as tax season was over. My last day was enjoyably "4-20".

I trained at Rafferty's as a server for three days before moving my ass back home, LOL.

Back to Grayson, and no matter how many times I applied to work at AT&T, I was always rejected. That did NOT help the ego. Nor did their postcard denials, lol. I couldn't get a job anywhere. Not K-mart, not Rite-Aid, not fast food. Nothing.

I meet Brad, and he helps me get a job at MSU. In the enrollment and financial aid department. I had A LOT to learn about this stuff. The sheer volume of calls was intimidating, and the inefficient enrollment and financial aid process in general. But that was okay, I like helping students, I just hated that we weren't allowed to do the simplest of things. Someone would be anxiously awaiting acceptance to the school, their test scores or whatever else would be lying in a pile in someone's office upstairs, but no one was allowed to enter them into the computer but ONE PERSON. ONE PERSON for THOUSANDS of applicants' ACT scores, transcripts, etc. Transy had work study students who did this shit! But no, not this office. I can't stand working for a system that is so messed up. But that wasn't even the worst of it. The worst was my boss. Granted, they were a person I wouldn't have liked in ANY capacity. From the start they didn't like me cause I got the job over someone they personally recommended for it. I'm sure it was believed this was because of Brad and not because I'm just a damn smart and capable person, which was obvious to the rest of the hiring committee. I'm sure they were relieved that Brad's girlfriend wasn't a total dumbass. She was often rude to me and made fun of me. I cried a lot. Just before busy season, the start of the new school year, I quit. Didn't even give notice. Just got the HELL out of there. Brad was admonished for my behavior from a higher up. But I didn't leave without letting my concerns known to specific people, and that horrible woman was almost immediately taken out of her 'management' position. So there.

In between periods of unemployment, I would substitute teach. The little kids were the best! The high school, not so much! I personally dreaded going to the high school, it was like living a nightmare. You know when you dream about something, but it's not exactly right or the way you remember it? That is what it was like. I really don't see how people I knew became teachers and went back to work there. Props to them, because it freaked my ass out. Even when I was in high school, every single morning on my way to school I would feel sick to my stomach. Like, ugh, what will THIS day bring? This was no different. And god knows I would NEVER be able to handle the politics. So I'm pretty happy I never went the route of being a high school biology or french teacher, which was my plan at certain points.

Finally, I get a job at Pathways. A job where theoretically I could use my so far worthless degree. It was a mash-up of social case-work, addiction, pregnancy, etc. Long story short, I learned I could never be a social worker. Not in that setting anyhow. I know some social workers who are damn good at their jobs, and I will never be them. You got a problem? FIX IT. You don't want to fix it? Then get out of my face and stop wasting my time, I don't want to hear your sob stories! I met a few people in that field of work who had severe martyr complexes. They enjoyed recognition for their "selfless" help to others. Bullshit. Ew. Or the power hungry bastards who want to control everyone, including their co-workers, and cause constant drama. There were four of us who were just used as pawns in their games. Not to mention I failed to see how the program I worked for helped ANYONE but the people in charge to feel like they were doing some kind of "good" for humanity. It was disgusting. After my wedding, when things had calmed down for me personally, I got the hell out of there, never to look back on social work again as some amazing road untraveled.

Went back to school to do something medical, anything medical and straight forward. Maybe nursing, or rad tech, or hell, maybe even a PA. I started out doing really well, but kinda had a nervous breakdown over the accumulating cost. I already had loans out the ass... here I was taking out more... I started to worry I wasn't gonna cut it and lose all this money invested... so that is exactly what happened. I flipped out. Went home and licked my wounds and pride and rattled nerves for a VERY long time. I felt like such an epic failure. I became depressed. It almost ruined Brad and I. I needed to get over this feeling that I needed to like my job. Just do anything, ANYTHING!

A friend of mine helped me to get hired as a legal secretary. Please keep in mind that at this point, I was not mentally well. LOL I was simply defeated and scared shitless. One of the lawyers I was terrified of! I wasn't thinking too clearly, I wasn't learning the stuff as well as I knew I was capable of. I struggled every day. My prescription of Clonipin was barely getting me through the day, let alone the month. I lost my shit completely. I left work for good one day. I knew Brad was going to be PISSED and wash his hands of me. I immediately went to my Grandma's and stayed there a while. I just wanted to die. So I checked myself in to KDMC's loony ward and had a much needed rest and tweaking of my meds. It was the lowest point of my life. I even tried to turn to God, but for all that is in me, I just cannot swallow that stuff. It is NOT for lack of trying, people!

Came back to the real world. Still struggling with major depression. I mean, it was bad. I slept all the time. I didn't take care of myself. Brad would have to tell me to shower, or brush my teeth, or even eat. I was so wrapped up in myself, it didn't even occur to me what Brad was going through. Our relationship was hanging by a thread and I didn't even NOTICE. He did EVERYTHING. Cook, clean, laundry, force me to fucking bathe.

A while later, I became my aunt and uncle's sort-of live-in nanny for the summer. It was a good thing. I was in Lexington all week long and would come home on some weekends. I thought I was doing better, honestly, I was. I was waking up, taking care of myself and my three cousins. I made a rude comment to Brad about his purchase of a new giant tv... and that was the straw that broke the camel's back. The SHIT HIT THE FAN. And we almost got divorced.

Months of valuable therapy later, things were better between us. We both got help that we needed. Brad got a better job that made him feel loads better. I accepted responsibility for myself. Brad worked through his bitterness at having to pull me through my shit. The author and spiritual teacher Eckhart Tolle changed the way I viewed the world and handled it. Things changed so drastically. We were happy again. We never stopped loving each other, that was what made it so painful. Eventually, I felt so good, that when I walked into Petland one day to look at puppies, I asked about the help wanted signs for a kennel technician. I got a job the same day. Called Brad, told him I had to work the next day. I'm really surprised my random shit hasn't caused him a heart attack yet.

I loved the puppies, I even loved my supervisor who was generally disliked by most everyone. I burnt out quickly with the job though, because the other technicians were so irresponsible I was working ALL THE DAMN TIME. I was practically working like a doctor on call for minimum wage. I wasn't treated like a person there, and so I quit. But instead of feeling like a failure, I only thought, okay, what's next? I attempted to start a dog grooming business. But with no one to really learn from, it became a tall order and my interest waned. I babysat my nephew for a while. Then I went in with my brother and sisters to get our pictures taken at Olan Mills. I met Christy, who is AWESOME and fun. I was attracted to having creative reign over something. This was something I could be really good at. I've always been creative and crafty. I understand basic aesthetic principles. And I'm a damn quick learner.

So far so good! In general, studio photography is limited and kinda cheesy and by definition is staged. But when you have a good sitting, or even a bad sitting, and yet you still manage to capture some priceless photos of a family or someone's kids, it's an amazing feeling. The families who walk in and tell you, "Good luck getting some good photos of little Bob here, he hates this kind of thing, he hasn't had a nap, he's pissy and difficult," then you struggle through a session that makes you want to pull your hair out, then you pull up the pictures and even you are shocked that some of them turned out so damn perfect, and they end up buying all of them, you just feel SO good! It definitely makes up for the bad experiences.

So when I run into people, and they ask what I do, then they start giving me advice on other careers or ways in which I could use my degree, they are so wasting their time and mine. I don't want anything else. This is amazing and I love it. Never imagined I'd be where I'm at today.

So happy four year anniversary to us! Brad I love you and I'm so thankful you didn't give up on me, or that I didn't let you, or whatever... ;) You are my favorite person in the world and my best friend.

When you dare to care...

I guess you are a fool.

Facebook probably isn't the best place for me to air my grievances on the Kony 2012 issue. So I'm bringing them here.

The other night, I'm sitting on my ass as usual while browsing the book of faces. A friend of mine that I have a lot of respect for shares a video calling for social awareness of a problem. It's thousands of miles away, in a country I've never been to, nor do I have the desire to go, and honestly, I probably won't ever go. It had previously not registered on my consciousness since maybe some movie based there or having to memorize where it was in high school geography. So why should I care?

Well, for whatever reasons, I do care, and I'd like to think it's because I'm a human being.

If you want to see the ~30 minute video, you can watch it at www.invisiblechildren.com. If you are one of the 7 million who haven't seen it.

The video itself isn't the point, but it's very informative. It's been criticized for not being comprehensive. But I wouldn't call the insipid facebook 'shares' of "share if you wish cancer would go away" comprehensive either. But I guess that's okay... and this is not. For some reason.

Some guys visited Uganda and made friends and witnessed the atrocities faced there by the local families at the hands of Joseph Kony, this complete psychopath who has been allowed to run a muck in their backyards (and homes, really) for decades. Through the efforts of these few activists, America (President Obama) officially ok'd sending some US special ops forces to try to help in Kony's apprehension. It has yet been done, but this group's primary concern is that we don't stop. That he be found. That he faces trial for his crimes against humanity. The problem: people just aren't aware of this guy and what he's done and probably continues to do (maybe not in Uganda anymore, but surely this guy hasn't retired to a fishing community where he drinks the rest of his life away dreaming about children yet un-molested).

So the group continues to make Kony a household name in America so that we can't claim ignorance.

Beautifully done video. These guys are talented. What a good way to use your talents. To give back to humanity. In a time when we are all pissed off and arguing with one another about whether or not Obama is destroying the country, what a nice wake-up call that there are better things to devote your time to.

BUT WAIT!

Mere minutes after viewing the video, signing the petition, and donating some of my money because I love what these guys are doing and how they are doing it... the critics and the cynics rear their ugly heads.

I'm not saying it's wrong to question what you are told. Holy shit, I'm an atheist. It's what I DO. But the critics are hurling arguments that violate the same standards they are holding these guys up to- they are misleading people. Disenfranchising them just a little more.

They aren't BBB accredited!

They get 2 out of 4 stars on Charity Navigator!

Even Ugandans are mad at this video!

The LRA isn't even active in Uganda now, hasn't been since 2006!

Why should you help the Ugandan government apprehend a man for doing things they themselves have done?

Only 32% of donations go to on the ground support!

Why give a crap what is going on over there when America is suffering here?

How dare you care about this when West Liberty is in ruins after last week's tornadoes?

When approached for peace, Kony only retaliates with more violence!

This is just another example of a charity making money off of white guilt!

They won't even share their financial statements!

Well. For an official response to these critiques from the Invisible Children organization, you can go here: http://s3.amazonaws.com/www.invisiblechildren.com/critiques.html

My husband just made the observation that there are no statutes of limitations on crimes against humanity. Nazi's were still being held accountable well into the 70s for their crimes during WWII. And I'm sorry, but I'm not aware of any large scale villains in America who are kidnapping children, giving them guns and knives, and forcing them to mutilate people. And if there were, it would DEFINITELY get the attention it deserved, America would be outraged. Ugandan politicians aren't happy about the video? I guess I wouldn't be happy about a video exposing the lack of control I had in my country either. They say it's misleading because that stuff isn't happening in Uganda anymore. Well, I don't know about anyone else, but I gleaned perfectly well from the video that Kony's "army" has migrated to other areas. I only had to watch it one time to be aware of that fact. That doesn't mean this guy should be forgotten about or not pursued! What do you think he's doing right now wherever he is? Playing scrabble?

As for 32% of donations going to ground support... did you know that one dollar donated to the Humane Society of the United States (a human society in name only) between the years 2000-2009 equaled only on average 7 cents going to help an animal at all? And yet there they are. Making MILLIONS year after year. But damn these Invisible Children people! They just want our money!

Their response to the critiques make complete sense to me. And shows that whatever the haters are doing or saying against them is harmful to the point they are trying to make. Am I defending them so ferociously because I gave them my money? Maybe. I know I certainly don't want to have to admit I've been had or scammed. As of right now, I'm pretty sure I haven't been. If it comes to that, I'll be pretty pissed off, but not at myself. I've done dumber shit. Like letting pill heads borrow money. I'm not gonna lose sleep over a well-intended donation just because minutes later the collective eye-rolling took place. And I'm glad that wasn't my reaction to this video, cause it would indicate I'm so numb I'm barely human anymore. When it comes to light that my donation actually went to the production of eco-friendly dildos, I'll be sure to blog about that too.

I'd like to release Kony in some American town armed with a gun and no threat that he will be pursued or receive justice for anything he might choose to do. See how that goes.

As for the tornado victims, you think I don't care? You think it hurts to see our close neighbors go through this shit? Of course it does! But in the same way, you could say we are being over dramatic about something that happens in towns all across America every year, but we never cared much about it then. Now all the sudden you care? Way to jump on a bandwagon! See? That is rude and hurtful to say.

So go eat shit. I'm going to go donate now to rebuilding West Liberty AND to KONY2012. And to whatever in the hell else I feel like throwing my hard-earned money at. Maybe animal rights. Or gay rights. Or Alzheimer's. Maybe the church of the FSM. Whatever. I'd be doing a lot more good than liking your status if I think cancer sucks.

back to the point...

Gosh I wish I could format these posts better when I add pictures. I don't know where in the hell this text is going to end up.






So anyhow... look at me! Aside from giving myself a tan and hiding some blemishes, these photos have not been altered, haha. Officially, I've gone from 213 to 188.5. From 36 bmi to 32. 7cm off the chest, 9 off the waist, 3 off hips and 2 from forearm. These numbers would be even more impressive if I had not fallen off the wagon when I took that two week hiatus to Lexington, then Chicago, then Virginia, where I lost all hold on routine and haven't stepped foot in the gym since... Maybe looking at these photos will get my butt back in there before they forget I bought a membership?

Most importantly, look how much whiter my socks have gotten. I'm probably most proud of that.

I'll hit up Brad when he gets a break from work. Happy snow-day of slush and ick, and to all a good night. :D

I've been gas-lit, bitches.

After much internal debate with myself, and external debate with Brad, I have had censorship forced upon me in reference to the content of this post. It's going to be vague. But I hope it still releases this shitty energy I have stuck inside me at this moment. (Upon proof-reading I actually got very specific. Oh well. I do feel better, though! hahahaha, suck it.)

It actually has to do with planning this high school reunion, which has been pretty fun so far, really. A lot more people are interested than I thought would be. I hope it turns out really well.

96 people have happily sent me their addresses for the reunion. And then there's this one person. Brad says if I blog about the situation, I've let them have power over my emotions, and they are ultimately nothing to me, so why should I care so much? I shouldn't care. I shouldn't be this angry. But I haven't done anything to provoke their attitude with me! It makes me want to spit nails!

I've been so careful and neutral like Switzerland. This person wanted me to call them to get their info. I read nothing into that besides just feeling generally annoyed. They can text me these messages, would it be so hard to text me their address? I'm like, ok, but I had to go to work and live my life and such. Most of the day goes by. Shandon calls and wants to help out in some way, and I say, yeah, you can call so-and-so and get their info for me. Thanks so much! He immediately does this, gets put to voicemail, but didn't recognize the name on the machine. He lets me know he thinks it's the wrong number.

So I ask so-and-so why they can't just text me the info, and I end with my favorite smiley :D Who in the world can hate the smiley-d? No one. It's adorable.

They respond that they suck at texting and that if I'm going to make this into "something crazy" to not worry about it.

What. The. Fuck. I sensed the bait. There it was. So delicious to look upon.

I retreated, hands in the air. Woah, sorry. We thought we had the wrong number. No big deal. Won't bother you. (I was very proud of this)

They continue. That is the right number, they say. "And I since sarcasm." Let's assume they meant sense. They indicate they are interested in coming to the reunion but also add "Don't make something a big deal that is not."

Of course, a bigger person wouldn't be angry at this. I guess it is believed "a crazy girl" would be though. Well, call me crazy, because I wanted to scream. What in the hell had I done to this person? Why are they labeling this as crazy? I don't get it?

I tried one more time. I went so far as to take partial blame for what is now a communication cluster-fuck. Something to the effect of, 'sorry, thought maybe you were dicking me around with the wrong number, if you want, you can call Shandon at this number and tell him your info.' I figured at that point, dude probably didn't want to talk to me. I sure as hell wasn't going to call him.

Mr. Last Word ends with "U made me feel like a stalker or something its to much, over me trying to work with ya. Some things I will never understand"

The situation reminds me of an article I read. Try this on for size:

A Message To Women From A Man: You Are Not Crazy.

Go read it, I'll wait.

You bitches get what I'm sayin'?

This person is not an ex, or even a friend I had screwed over in the past. Just a person. A damn unstable one. Takes one to know one, I guess! Sorry, I've already shelled out over $100 bucks for this damn thing, I ain't takin' your shit. They've been deleted. And I've fulfilled their prediction that I was going to make a big deal out of this. Which I kinda hate myself for. But now I feel better.

Stir Crazy.

So when I was first asked to come to the Christiansburg, VA studio, I was kinda excited. Now I'm like... it's only Thursday? Oh. My. God. This is terrible.

Yesterday, I worked 10-2, made NO money, took NO pictures. Just sat on the phone all day. And I thought our studio was small... nope. It's rather big. Gonna have to start appreciating that.

Get your vomit bags in position cause... I MISS MY BRAD! Holy shit! We've never been away from each other this long. EVER. Well, I saw him Saturday while we drove to Chicago together, spent the night, then he swung by the airport while I did a tuck 'n roll out of the vehicle. See ya later! On my way home to vegetate for days until he gets back... then hey! Christiansburg, VA! Well, I had nothing else to do. I'd already been away from the house for a week so I thought I'd just roll with it.

I figured, hey. I'll have SO much down time, I can use it to get some of this reunion stuff in order. Uh... it took like 10 minutes to make some phone calls and get some prices. LOL So... twiddle my thumbs, twiddle twiddle. I have a smoking room, and it's kinda making me feel really gross. So glad I don't smoke in our house.

So that's what I'm doing right now. Nothing. And for once, that has me irritable. I'm usually more than happy to do nothing. But I've eaten nothing but CRAP food for two weeks, I've not seen the gym in ever, I miss my dog, and I've smoked my own weight in cigs the past two days. I wanna be in Willard :(

High School. Gross.

Yeah I know, where did I disappear to? No where, really. Just working. Decorating our living space. Hanging out in Lex with my aunt. Just got back from a night in Illinois with Brad (first I had seen him in a week, jeeeeeze). Had a birthday. Turned 29. This week away from home has been brutal on any healthy eating habits I had developed... ugh. I physically feel like shit cause that is all I've eaten. Haven't been to the gym in well over a week. Tsk, tsk! Flew on a plane today, with a hangover, tired as hell. When I woke up during landing, all my panicked mind could think of was the quickest possible route to a bed where I could sleep for EVER. That didn't happen. Oooh, I do not feel good right now. Mentally, I'm pretty spot on, though. This mind never rests.

Just thought I'd vent about something. At the risk of hurting people's feelings (but what is worth venting about if it doesn't do at LEAST that). So I graduated high school in 2001. It is now 2012 and we have yet to have a class reunion, although one is tentatively set for March. A part of me really wants to give a shit. A part of me wants to volunteer my time to making it worthwhile. I have the time. And I love planning things, making things happen. I'm creative, crafty, resourceful. Projects keep me going. And I'm pretty damn full of myself, so I must say if I did help, it would be 100% better than anything they could come up with in my absence. Because I am awesome. Yes, that is how arrogant I am about myself and my abilities. I ain't afraid to say it.

So I'm so tempted to care. But then I remember something. It's my 10 year high school reunion. How disgusting.

I look back on those years and... it makes my stomach hurt, honestly. I think, shit, how could I have ever lived that way, and it's funny cause my 17 year old self would probably think the same about me now.

I never understood the people I graduated with who missed high school. But I was in a suspended state of animation, still stuck in the education system, went on to college. I didn't understand their lamentations until I finally graduated and was thrown into the real world. Yeah, it really does SUCK some major balls. Not all the time, but it can, and not a single one of us appreciated when it didn't suck so much back then. A zit was the end of the world, now getting sick and paying medical bills while having no income is the real end of the world. That will probably seem silly too, one of these days, when we look back. So I finally do get it now. But I wouldn't wish myself back there for ANYTHING. I mean, ew. Ew. Ew.

But no one has any really excellent ideas or a plan for executing those ideas and it's killing me. I just want to intervene before someone hurts themselves thinking too hard. It has been suggested it be a tail-gate party, back in the fall, during a home football game. That made me want to vomit. I had no school spirit whatsoever. If I had to pick a sport I could happily live without, it would be football. And if I want to stare at and judge the people I went to high school with, I'll log on to Facebook, and at least I can be drunk while doing that.

Ugh. Makes me feel ill just thinking about it all. The first mistake they made was asking for everyone's input. Everyone will never agree. It's one of those things you just gotta do and say, take it or leave it. Reminds me of planning my wedding. Too many cooks in the kitchen. I would have privately asked some people to help out, then just DONE it. Even at the risk of it SUCKING. And no one coming. And you can bet I would have planned it well in advance. Makes me feel like getting on the facebook page for it and announcing in all caps, OKAY, I'M CALLING THE SHOTS, THIS FUCKER IS GOING DOWN IN JUNE, BRING MARSHMALLOWS, WATCH YOUR MAIL, SEE YOU SOON. IF I WANT YOUR HELP, I'LL ASK FOR IT. BLOW ME. TAKE CARE. **Animal sacrifice and prayers appreciated**

But I don't care, right? I don't care. I don't care... really, your wearing THAT? I mean, I don't care, I don't care...

Blah

January 6th, 2012. What a day. It hasn't even started for me yet.

Megan & Heath are having a baby girl! Found out this morning. That's fabulous! Do I wish it were me? Yeah. But I'm kinda focused right now on losing weight, not gaining it, so it's all good. I'm super happy for them, a little girl is gonna be so much fun! She'll probably be perfect, like Holden. When/if Brad and I ever reproduce, they will probably be little demon shits, but that is fun too, I guess. It's about time the McDavid family had a little girl!

In other news, I'm about ready to go Misery on Brad's ass and keep him in the basement with broken ankles, feeding him only McDonald's. He shared his weight with me this morning (ugh) and he is at 238. He has almost lost 30 effing pounds. I've lost 15. *sigh* I'm really just not trying hard enough. I know, I know, men lose it more easily, I really do have reasonable expectations for myself. But I really am slipping up on a regular basis, eating whatever I can get my hands on sometimes. I just feel so tired. I don't want to plan my healthy food. I've even had many moments sitting in front of the computer, not knowing what to do, what to search for, and that might seem lame, but it means one thing: I am bored. I am down. I'm not even really excited about the living room re-do. I just feel blah.

It probably has to do with January. It's just a boring and depressing month. It's getting colder. It snowed the other day. There are no holidays to look forward to and prepare for. Except my birthday! January 26... I'll be 29. But I find that a tad depressing as well.

I think part of the problem is that my hours at work have dropped drastically. When I don't have a good reason to get up in the morning (cause I've not been going in til like 4 or 5) then I just... don't. Get up. It's a bad habit to get back into. Financially, I miss the hours, but it's not like we can't get by, we are fine without my contribution. But mentally... I just need that. I really enjoy the job. I like organizing and preparing, calling customers, getting everything done for the day. Just makes me feel accomplished in some small way. Maybe I need to find a place to volunteer at. Wish Grayson had an animal shelter.

Anyway, blah.